hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
