Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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