when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
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