his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
