hotel room ftw
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
high people should be assigned attendants
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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