My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
