..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I want her autograph on my taint
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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