The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
