I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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