The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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