HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
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got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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