It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
