i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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