There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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