i always forget guys have bellybuttons
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
