I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
