When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
