Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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