The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
