i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
