Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
