A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
