I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
