she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
