Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
