she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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