he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
