sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
