and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
