apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
