I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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