I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I had to cum in my sink.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
