somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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