So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Drunk is not a location!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
