we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize