Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
