If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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