I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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