And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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