I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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