Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
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The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
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I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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