It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
