yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
