If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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