just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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