oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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