just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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