Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
