yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
