He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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