I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
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Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
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he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT