he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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