if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.