So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
