I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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