sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!