My room smells like vodka and shame
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.