So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
